lol

April 26, 2008

lol

Filed under: Annoying, Jokes, Senior jokes — lol27 @ 11:04 pm

Buy a really tall hat (preferably a turban, etc.). Sit in the front row. If someone asks you to take it off, tell them it’s against your religion: 3 pts.

Throw popcorn up in the air and yell “It’s SNOWING!!”: 3 pts.

When someone kisses (on screen or in the theater), point and say “OOOOOHHHHH”: 2 pts.

Clap when something bad happens to the main character, boo when something good happens.: 3 pts. 5 pts if you do it throughout the entire movie.

During a really sad scene, start cracking up. During a happy/funny scene start yelling or crying.: 3 pts. 5 pts if you do it throughout the entire movie.

Start coughing very loudly/’choking. Point to/ask for the person-next-to-you’s drink. If they offer it to you, drink the rest, including ice cubes. If they refuse to give it to you, stand up and yell “Fine! Let me die!”: 4 pts. 5 pts for a really believable coughing/choking scence.

Bring your TV’s remote control and attempt to pause, fast-forward, and rewind the movie. During the climax or a really sad/serious scene, crack and start screaming that the damn thing is broken.: 5 pts.

During a scary movie yell at the screen things such as, “No, don’t trust him!”, “Watch out!”, and “No, DON’T GO IN THE CLOSET!!!!!!”: 3 pts. 5 pts for yelling for good things/really small things.

Tap the person next to you and say “It’s sure is dark in here.” *Wink Wink*… *Wink* (Wink at them).: 3 pts. 5 pts if they are the same sex. 10 pts if they actually go along with it (no backing out).

Preferably during the beginning of the opening stuff start screaming “No, not the voices! Anything but the voices”. Also works when you’re in a crowd, “An (Earthquake, flood, fire) We’re all going to DIE!!!!!” 3 pts. 7 pts if people believe you or try to see if you’re okay.

When the last people are entering the theater, stand up and start waving and yelling for them to join you. (They can be strangers or you can get a whole bunch of friends to come in late). 5 pts. 7 pts if you sit in a crowded row. 10 pts if you start screaming at people that they are sitting in your friends seats. 10 pts if you yell to imaginary people. (Only one of the tens counts)

Wear a cape and when they lights dim and a logo comes on the sreen, stand up and yell, “The Bat Signal.” 3 pts. 5 pts if you attempt to save someone. 7 pts If you don’t know them. 10 pts if they are fat/old.

At a random point during the movie yell, “No I will NOT make out with you!” 3 pts. 5 pts if no one is sitting near you.

Talk and laugh hysterically with your friends. When at least 10 people have shushed you, stand up and yell “Would you people SHUT UP! I’m trying to watch the movie!!” 5 pts.

Try to get as many points as you can…

Perfect Score: 80.

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

——————————————————————————–

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”

——————————————————————————–

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.” The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

——————————————————————————–

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy, “So I hear you’re getting married?” “Yep!” “Do I know her?” “Nope!” “This woman, is she good looking?” “Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Naw, she can’t cook too well.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.  ” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?” “Because she can still drive!”

——————————————————————————–

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”

——————————————————————————–

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ ” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

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April 23, 2008

lol

Filed under: Holiday vacation, Intresting stuff, Jokes, Q&A — lol27 @ 2:43 pm

Here are a few things that you probably never knew, but the commercials helped us to realize.

– When mentioning a product, it is required to say the entire name, and manufacturer.

– When you wash your hair, don’t worry about a hairdryer, just shake your head back and forth with a sexy little motion, and it’ll be dry.

– If you have heartburn, don’t worry!! The person next to you is a doctor.

– If you have heartburn, and your seat partner isn’t a doctor, then your cab driver/bartender/waitress has a bottle of antacid within reach.

– When having large groups of people over for dinner, it is necessary to serve spaghetti and bread rolls. And someone has to spill wine.

– All restaurant owners are Italian

– Your new carpet spray/toilet scrub/shower cleaner will always get out that spilled juice/scum/grease, and leave your carpet/shower/toilet whiter than before

– The person across from you knows what your doctor prescribed, and they have it sitting beside them.

– Every household has one really shaggy dog that sheds all the time.

– Looking for a product that works? A really peppy, and friendly mom will point out that it’s right to your right and above your head!

– The number one choice of medicine in households and clinics around the world are six different brands.

– Hair doesn’t frizz

– Lip color lasts forever

– Amusement parks have special invisible rides that can be seen on T.V., but not in person.

– Your mattress is the worst mattress in the world, but your new mattress is the greatest.

– If you can’t sleep, you’ll shift around madly and frown.

– Everyone sleeps with one hand behind their pillow, one hand on top, and the sheets at their armpits. Unless you are sick.

I bet you never knew any of that! Aren’t you glad that I found out for you

 

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner –

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA) A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa?(USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

April 21, 2008

Cool

Filed under: Intresting stuff — lol27 @ 1:47 pm

* The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader’s lines, and didn’t know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80’s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays it’s home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”.

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright’s son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers — they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

 

The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

Einstein couldn’t speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.

In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.

An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

America’s first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn’t give her coffee.

The Neanderthal’s brain was bigger than yours is.

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Women’s hearts beat faster than men’s.

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

27% of U.S. male college students believe life is “a meaningless existential hell.”

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

“Kemo Sabe” means “soggy shrub” in Navajo.

 

April 17, 2008

Jokes

Filed under: Hunter jokes, Jokes, Prisonor jokes — lol27 @ 2:35 pm

A hunter dials 911 and says, “I just shot at something that I thought was a deer but it was another hunter. I’m afraid I just killed him.”

The operator says, “It’s OK sir, it may not be as bad as you think. First, make sure he’s really dead.”

The guy says OK and sets down the phone. Then the operator hears a gunshot. He picks up the phone and says, “OK, now what?”

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn””t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

“No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with.”

“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard. “You didn””t even want a special last meal!”

he inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”

April 14, 2008

lol

Filed under: Husband & wife jokes, Jokes — lol27 @ 5:47 pm
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “In-laws 

     

 

Joke

Filed under: Jokes, president jokes — lol27 @ 3:21 pm

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.

The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

The Vice President shrugs and says, “Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.”

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, “Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, “Such arrogant butts back there. Hey, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy.”

April 12, 2008

Funny

Filed under: God jokes, Jokes — lol27 @ 2:29 pm

There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, “You can’t stay here you have to come with us.”
The old man replied, “No, God will save me.” So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, “God will save me.” So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, “God will save him.” So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “You idiot, I tried. I sent three boats after you!!”

April 10, 2008

LOL

Filed under: Husband & wife jokes, Jokes — lol27 @ 9:44 pm

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, and he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,”Please wake me at 5:00 AM” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM – and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn ‘ t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

MORAL: Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws”

Women’s Revenge

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

Who does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don ‘ t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can ‘ t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
says……….”HEBREWS”

MORAL: God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

More funny jokes

Filed under: Jokes, president jokes — lol27 @ 11:57 am

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, “What’s in the box kid?”

The little boy says, “Kittens, they’re brand new kittens.”

George W. laughs and says, “What kind of kittens are they?”

“Republicans,” the child says.

“Oh that’s cute,” George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, “You gotta check this out” and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

George W. says, “Look in the box Dick, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are.”

The boy replies, “They’re Democrats.”

“Whoa!”, George W. says, “I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What’s up?”

“Well,” the kid says, “Their eyes are open now”

 

On one of his first nights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of George Washington. Bush is frightened, but asks: “George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Washington advises him: “Be honest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did.” This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. “Tom,” Dubya asks, “what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Jefferson replies, “Throw away your prepared remarks and speak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart,” Jefferson advises. Bush isn’t sleeping well at all the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It’s Abraham Lincoln’s ghost and Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, I’ll get some advice that I can use. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asks hopefully. Abe answers: “Go see a play.”

 

One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.
They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.
Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.
The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate.
“What happened?!” asked Bill.
“I ran over a pig,” replied his driver. Bill Clinton looked horrified.
“Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their’s.”
So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door.
Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours.
Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been.
“Do you know how long you’ve been gone?! What happened up there?” he asked.
The limo driver, happily confused, replied, “Those people up there threw me a huge party.”
Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, “What? Why?”
The limo driver started up his car and answered, “I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig.”

 

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her,
“There’s one thing I want you to know. There’s a box under my bed, and I don’t want you to look in it until I die.” Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it.
She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I’ve cheated on you.”
Hillary said, “Well, that’s not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all.”
She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?”
Bill replied, “That’s for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”

 

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

“I will give each of you one wish. That’s three wishes total,” said the genie.
The Canadian said, “I’m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.”
With a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state.”
Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
George W. Bush, said, “I’m very curious, please tell me more about this wall.”
The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out – it’s virtually impenetrable.”
George W. Bush says, “Fill it with water.”

lol!      :mrgreen:

April 9, 2008

Work!!! lol

Filed under: Jokes, work jokes — lol27 @ 12:47 pm

 

office humor
office humor

 




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