lol

May 29, 2008

Apitude Test

Filed under: Intresting stuff, Jokes, Q&A — lol27 @ 4:35 pm

This is off topic but watever

VIEW COMMENTS FOR THE ANSWERS!

1. If you went to bed at 8 P.M. and set an old fashioned alarm for 9 A.M., how much sleep would you get?

2. Do they have a Fourth of July in England?

3. How many birthdays does the average man have?

4. Why can’t a man living in Winston-Salem, North Carolina be buried WEST of the Mississippi River?

5. If you had one haystack on the one side of a field and two on the other side and you added them together, how many haystacks would you have?

6. If you had only one match and entered a room that had an oil heater, a stove, and a gas lamp, which would you light first?

7. If a doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every hour, how long would they last?

8. a man builds a square house, each side having a southern exposure, he looks out the window and sees a bear, what color is the bear?

9. How far can a black and white dog run into the woods?

10. Which is correct: 7 and 8 are 16, or 7 and 8 is 16?

11. How many outs in an inning of baseball?

12. There are two U.S. coins that total 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the two coins?

13. A farmer has 16 sheep, all but nine die, how many are left?

14. Divide ½ into 30 and add 10. How much do you have?

15. Two men are playing checkers. Each man wins five games. Each man plays five games. How can this be?

16. Take two apples from three apples. What do you have?

17. Is it legal for a man in Quincy Illinois to marry his widow’s sister?

18. How many species of each animal did Moses take with him aboard the Ark?

19. A woman gave a beggar 50 cents. The woman was the beggar’s sister, but the beggar was not the woman’s brother. How can this be?

20. The archaeologist who said they found a coin marked 46 B.C. was either kidding or lying, Why?

I got 12/20 right Good luck

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April 23, 2008

lol

Filed under: Holiday vacation, Intresting stuff, Jokes, Q&A — lol27 @ 2:43 pm

Here are a few things that you probably never knew, but the commercials helped us to realize.

– When mentioning a product, it is required to say the entire name, and manufacturer.

– When you wash your hair, don’t worry about a hairdryer, just shake your head back and forth with a sexy little motion, and it’ll be dry.

– If you have heartburn, don’t worry!! The person next to you is a doctor.

– If you have heartburn, and your seat partner isn’t a doctor, then your cab driver/bartender/waitress has a bottle of antacid within reach.

– When having large groups of people over for dinner, it is necessary to serve spaghetti and bread rolls. And someone has to spill wine.

– All restaurant owners are Italian

– Your new carpet spray/toilet scrub/shower cleaner will always get out that spilled juice/scum/grease, and leave your carpet/shower/toilet whiter than before

– The person across from you knows what your doctor prescribed, and they have it sitting beside them.

– Every household has one really shaggy dog that sheds all the time.

– Looking for a product that works? A really peppy, and friendly mom will point out that it’s right to your right and above your head!

– The number one choice of medicine in households and clinics around the world are six different brands.

– Hair doesn’t frizz

– Lip color lasts forever

– Amusement parks have special invisible rides that can be seen on T.V., but not in person.

– Your mattress is the worst mattress in the world, but your new mattress is the greatest.

– If you can’t sleep, you’ll shift around madly and frown.

– Everyone sleeps with one hand behind their pillow, one hand on top, and the sheets at their armpits. Unless you are sick.

I bet you never knew any of that! Aren’t you glad that I found out for you

 

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner –

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA) A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa?(USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

April 21, 2008

Cool

Filed under: Intresting stuff — lol27 @ 1:47 pm

* The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader’s lines, and didn’t know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

* No word in the English language rhymes with month.

* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

* Cat’s urine glows under a black light.

* Back in the mid to late 80’s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.

* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* Babies are born without knee caps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* No NFL team which plays it’s home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

* The first toilet ever seen on television was on “Leave It To Beaver”.

* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright’s son.

* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers — they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.

* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

 

The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

Einstein couldn’t speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.

In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.

An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

America’s first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn’t give her coffee.

The Neanderthal’s brain was bigger than yours is.

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Women’s hearts beat faster than men’s.

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

27% of U.S. male college students believe life is “a meaningless existential hell.”

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

“Kemo Sabe” means “soggy shrub” in Navajo.

 

March 20, 2008

Jokes

Filed under: Blonde Jokes, Intresting stuff, Jokes — lol27 @ 9:49 pm
A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.”But I already paid you! Don’t you remember?” says the customer.

“Okay,” says the bartender, “if you said you paid, then I suppose you did.”

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, “Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did.”

The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get him….”

The man interrupts, “Don’t bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

 

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn’t decide who he should grant full custody to.

So he asks the little boy, “Would you like to live with your mother?”

“No.” said the boy.

“Why not?” said the judge.

“Because she beats me.”

The judge says “Okay, then you’ll go live with your father.”

“Oh no,” cried the boy, “he beats me too.”

Dumbfounded, the judge asks “Okay who do you want to live with?”

“I want to live with the Miami Dolphins!”

“Why?” asks the judge.

“They never beat anybody.”

 A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse”s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse”s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse”s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

 
 
1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America……do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”

10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

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